my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
