Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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