I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
