I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
