he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
