The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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