and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
