Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
