I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
