I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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