yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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