I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
