Too much gin, very little bucket
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We are all done wearing pants today
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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