I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We have so much sex to catch up on
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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