So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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