Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
