he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
