dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
