woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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