Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
