At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
