Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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