just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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