SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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