I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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