Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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