i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
