Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
