when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
