The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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