I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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