Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
