Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
