I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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