as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
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