i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
