using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
