i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
