we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
