When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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