Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
