Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
