Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
