Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
