Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
