Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
