my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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