I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
