I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
