And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
