I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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