Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
