I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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