three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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