i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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