first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
