Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
