Porn is love you can see.
Where is the hickey?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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