I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
