I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Two words: blizzard sex
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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